Back in the Dating Saddle

In a past post, I shared the details of how my last relationship ended about a month ago…days before my 30th birthday. In the last month, I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions go through me – for the first couple weeks, it was mainly sadness, confusion, and grief. While we were only together for a few months, she had become a big part of my life and I saw that only growing. I had been invited to her family’s events a week before I had “the bomb” dropped on me so she wasn’t exactly cutting me out of her life slowly.

This grief and sadness then turned to anger. How could someone who supposedly cared about me do this? I completely understand that you need to be true to your feelings and don’t fault her for that. However, what I do have a problem with is how I was treated in the aftermath, but that’s a whole other story in itself.

Now, I’ve moved on and am back in the saddle and ready to move on. I have 2 dates on the agenda for this week. So, with that being the case, the whole first date etiquette is on my mind so I wanted to take a look at it:

Where to Meet Up? Such a simple thing, yet so important. Where are we going to meet? My go-to is a restaurant with a bar…let’s be honest, nothing to kill the first date jitters like a little booze!

Who Pays? This is not even a question in my eyes…the guy does. Why? Because that is the rule. I honestly think it’s stupid and archaic, but because society says that “gentleman” will pay on the first date, I don’t dare touch this social norm.

Goodnight Kiss? This is such a polarizing topic – it makes the topics of universal healthcare, immigration, and marijuana legalization seem innocuous. I’ve had many debates with friends about what to do at the end of a date – kiss or not? Some of my friends are adamant that you got to kiss the girl, otherwise you are entering the “friend zone.”

However, I don’t subscribe to this school of thought. It seems a bit weird to me kissing someone that you met a few hours ago. I tend to go in for the kiss on the 2nd date – I mean, those extra 2 hours really make a difference right? But in all seriousness, this gives us both time to digest everything and inevitably find out whether there is interest or not on the other end.

When to Contact Next (and who should) if you want to go out again? We’ve all heard of the 3 day rule. “You have to wait 3 days or she will feel you’re too eager – you got to play hard to get.” This is another one that I personally don’t subscribe to. Maybe it’s because I’m impatient, but I’m usually texting the girl that same night saying I had a great time. I won’t life, a girl gets major brownie points when I pull my phone out to send this, and she has beat me to the punch. In those cases, I know that she is considerate, appreciative, and of the most importance, interested. I feel that you have to go with your feelings on this one– some people will wait, some people, like me, want to reach out right away.

What to do if you don’t want to see the other person again? Inevitably, most dates will end with at least one person not feeling it – it’s the nature of the beast. However, I still ask myself every time I’m the one who is not feeling it,“what should I do?” And, every time I do the same thing, fall off the face of the earth and not contact her. I’m not proud of this but what is the better alternative? Sending a text message that says “Great meeting up with you but I’m not feeling it” would be just weird. Of course, if the girl ever contacts me and gives the impression she wants to go out again, I’ll say “thanks but no thanks”….in a much nicer fashion.

So, give me your thoughts on these items – what am I doing right? What should I change up?

Seth

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To do list…

This weekend, I was going through my list of things to do before going out for the evening and below is what was on the list…what doesn’t fit?

  • Laundry
  • Gym
  • Certification Exam Review
  • Provide feedback on revisions to Contracts
  • Catch-up on work emails
  • Online Dating

You guessed it, laundry. Just kidding, of course it’s Online Dating. This seems like a chore to me and frankly, I want to change that. Well, ideally I want to stop doing it all together.

Why is it a chore? Frankly, I think it is because of how challenging it is. If I got responses to every message, maybe it would be fun. But, I’ll be honest, I don’t. For every 10 I send, I’m lucky to get a response. I know this is not abnormal for guys in Online Dating but it’s still annoying. It’s almost like I’m not having a conversation but writing to myself, which is why it feels like a chore. I guess.

Do other guys feel this way as well? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

Seth

The Best Dating App or Website….

This is the million dollar question for all of us trying to find that potential partner. Well, one of the million dollar questions, at least.

There is obviously no right answer to this question; however I’ll give my two cents from the perspective of a guy who has signed up for them all. I won’t lie, I’ve probably deleted each of these off my phone a handful of times only to re-download it days or weeks later.

TINDER

the most well know of the apps and probably the one we have to thank for the whole online dating revolution.

Personally, I’m not a fan. So many fake profiles and I feel that I match with significantly less people than I do on other sites or apps. I also don’t like how you are limited in the number of swipes but have no idea how many are left or even what this “magic daily number” is.

Grade – D

BUMBLE

There is something super nice about not having to be the one to initiate conversations with girls in the dating world. Our social norms have it as something the guy has to do and frankly, I sometimes get tired of it. Girls want more than “hey, what’s up” but what do you go right to questions about them? Comment on something in the profile? This is another conversation for another day; however, bumble takes this out of play. However, the whole 24 hour time limit is a bit annoying. Additionally, I personally have had little luck on this app so I am not the biggest fan.

Grade – C

J-SWIPE

If you’re part of the tribe, like me, Mom and Dad have surely conveyed to you the dream of finding a nice Jewish partner and making Jewish babies. I’ve met a bunch of people from JSwipe and have never had issues with fake profiles or too many adds. I also feel that the fact it’s more of a niche dating app makes those who use it more in to finding someone (disclaimer – this is based completely on my experience). Plus, it’s kind of cool seeing the cartoon hora dancers when you get a match.

Grade – A

JDate

Ugh, this one pains me to write.

As part of the “tribe” – Jdate has become a virtual norm for people who grew up in the post 2000 world. The high holidays aren’t in full swing until you hear who’s daughter met a NJB (nice Jewish boy) on JDate. Unfortunately, I think this iconic website has run its course. Now, from my experience, most of the profiles are inactive. In a time when you can JSwipe, Tinder, or OkCupid for $0.00, the number of people willing to pay membership prices of $20+ on JDate has gone down quite a bit. I do like that they have an option where you can send emails and anyone, regardless of whether they have a subscription, can view the message. However, if there aren’t active members, this won’t be of much use.

Grade – D-

OkCupid

My brother met his fiancé on this website and I’ve had many good dates and 1 relationship result from meeting people here. However, the website has changed in recent months. Gone are the search and email days; now, you have to “swipe right” or like someone before you can email them. I’m sure OKC has lost many people to the various Apps so that is why they are doing this. However, in my eyes, it just has resulted in an awkward platform at this point. You have to swipe and email. Frankly, I don’t think it’s working and I’ve personally stopped using it because of this.

Grade – C-

Match.com

We all have seen like 900 Match.com commercials in our lifetime and know the stats about 1 in 5 online relationships start on there, the 6 month guarantee, etc. But, is it all talk or legit?

Answer – 100% legit

My last relationship started from meeting on here and I feel this website has a vast pool of people on it. This is, of course, one of the biggest challenges of online dating. Yes, Match.com does charge a membership fee; however, the price is a fraction of other websites – it comes out to about $15 per month with the right promo code. Not a bad deal given the number of people you can potentially reach on this website.

Grade – A

Coffee Meets Bagel

This is a real unique one in the you are limited to the number of “swipes” you get each day, unless you purchase more. They’ve recently added features like telling you if someone likes you or giving you the ability to skip the line of other suitors for a price (in their bean currency). I personally can get lost in the searching and swiping and before I know it, 45 minutes have gone by. I like the fact CMB limits the time you are in the app checking people out. They’ve evolved over the years but unlike OKC, I feel this app has kept up with the times very well and in turn, is gaining popularity.

Grade – B

Online Dating Analogy

Online Dating is like a game of Darts……if you are blindfolded and spun around 20 times.

Think about it – you’re trying to hit the tiny bullseye (a relationship), but are blindly aiming at it. Yes, you are looking at profiles and pictures, but how much can a person really detail about themselves in 2 paragraphs? Plus, of the 5 picture chosen, what’s been done to them? Chances are, some filter or blemish remover has been applied (I wont lie I’ve done it). We are not choosing to swipe right based on things that will make a relationship last, like personality, humor, or how well we get along, but rather looks and what people say about themselves (which of course has to be taken with a grain of salt). THEN, we hope they have the other characteristics. Because of this, I am sure we miss many great potential marches and focus on others that really wouldn’t be good ones.

Because of this, there will be many misses. However, it just takes one bullseye to end the game so I guess if we throw enough arrows one will blindly hit the center. Just a matter of when.

Seth

Happy 30th Birthday – it’s over

Happy birthday to you…

Happy birthday to you…

It’s almost your birthday,

But I’m sorry were through.

This is how I will always remember my 30th birthday. It didn’t go down quite as literally but the short of it is, right before I was set to turn 30, my girlfriend dropped a bomb on me…

“I’m not feeling this is right”

I thought she was the one. We were only together a few months but I never felt such excitement to see someone. She was caring, genuine, and upfront with her feelings.

Then, things changed.

She became distant and I was walking on eggshells. However, she assured me things were OK with us. A week later, it was over and I was crushed. To add salt to the wound, my 30th birthday was only a few days away.

I spent the coming days trying to figure out where this went wrong. I had never seen something change so quickly and so dramatically. I tried to talk through it with her but she didn’t want to discuss anything. I felt like I went from boyfriend to a piece of garbage thrown to the curb. Yet, I wanted her back in my life so bad. When it became apparent we were through (or more accurately, when I accepted this), I wanted to start trying to fill this void in my life right away.

If only I could do it some way other than dating. Too bad it wasn’t like a goldfish that went belly up and was “replaced” the next day. This is quite the opposite; I have to re-enter the horrible dating game, yet again. Ughhh

One other thing I didn’t mention earlier….

This happened less than a month ago

So, it’s very raw for me. Yesterday I saw her picture and the pain came right back to me. This has caused a lot of pain; yet, I’m ready to get back in the saddle and start dating again. Not because I like dating, but because I like having someone in my life.

Is this insanity?

Time will tell, I guess.

Average Joe’s Dating Resume

Working in the corporate world, I often compare dating to business so inevitably, I see my dating history like a resume.

Here is what my “resume” would say if you took a look:

#1-This looked to have the potential to be the only stop on this journey. For a long time, I saw myself starting and ending my career here. This was the lifelong career we all dream of. 

 #2-After the lifelong career came to a screeching halt (think going from 75 mph to 0 mph in seconds….it was bad), I started job hoping a bit, keeping “positions” for about 6 months or so

 #3-A period of unemployment that lasted just under 3 years. 

#4-More job hopping – however, now we are talking less than 6 months at a time

So when this resume comes across the desk of a potential employer (aka- there’s a girl interested in yours truly), I imagine it brings up some questions.

What happened to your potential lifelong career?
Please explain the period of unemployment?
Why are you job hopping so much?

I wish I had a good answer for all of these questions but ultimately, my answer for all of them is one thing…

Life happened.

I could detail what in life happened in each stop but I’ll spare you and my fingers the details. The short of it is we got older and found ourselves. Life took myself and my ex-girlfriend(s) in directions that ultimately ended the relationship. Fortunately, I’ve never had a relationship end because of cheating or there being anther guy in the picture (knock on wood many times). The reverse also applies – I’ve never cheated or left a girl to pursue another one.

Through every relationship, I’ve learned something about myself, what I want, and what I don’t want. I’ve definitely done some things wrong and I’ve tried to improve the next time. In some cases, I improved and in others, I still need to.

It’s always an adventure though, no question about that!

 

-Seth

 

 

Welcome to Dating Diaries of Average Joe

Dating = Necessary Evil 

(at least in my eyes it is)  

I want to find that special someone; yet, hate playing the dating game. Nevertheless, in American Culture in 2017, playing the dating game is the only way I’m going to meet “the one.” That is, if she’s out there.

My name is Seth – I’m a 30 year old guy living in Philadelphia. I have a good job working in the software industry, am about average build, and am terrible at picking up girls at the bar. In short, I’m your Average Joe.

I’ll detail my dating background in a future post; but here are some basic stats about my dating life since the beginning of 2015. 

*2 relationships of 6 months or less

*30 First Dates

*44 Total Dates (excludes speed dating or dates with future girlfriends)

*Countless swipes that went nowhere

So, does this make me an expert on dating? Absolutely not. I feel like an amateur every time I go on a date or try to message a girl on a dating app. It was this feeling that led me to look-up what other guys are feeling when they are in similar situations and here is what I found…

There is NOTHING out there!

Every blog or website I saw was from the perspective of someone who claims to know what they are doing or someone who says they overcame the difficulties of dating to be a pick-up artist of some sort. It’s possible that’s the case; however, the six pack of abs and muscles may have helped to. I didn’t see anything written from the perspective of an average guy, detailing his struggles and successes.

And thus, Dating Diaries Of Average Joe was born.

-Seth